Snowvid 2021

The Quarantined Life

Over a year later as I look back, these treasured memories of being “stuck” at home will forever be cherished. The Lord kept us safe, sane and healthy, knitted us tighter as a family and made us appreciate life in a deeper way.

Spring Update

Spring is among us and its lovely but not perfect. With flowers also comes that awful pollen, you gotta take the good and the bad. That’s how I feel right now, lots of good but little things that remind me this is a fallen world with broken people of whom I feel the most broken. I’m reminded daily that I’m not perfect, I don’t have it all together, but all I can do is try my best, that’s enough, and that in itself is perfect. 

Currently I’m grateful for family and friends and being able to gather and celebrate birthdays and Easter. I’m grateful for modern science, vaccines and essential workers. I’m grateful that I’m a few weeks away from completing my first semester at TWU and so far I have A’s in all my classes. I’m grateful I have a husband who helps out so much and has made this possible for me.

I am however struggling to find gratefulness in certain aspects of life. I’m struggling with being patient and showing empathy. We’re also in the middle of soccer season so our weekends are consumed with practice and games and its tiring for all of us and it makes us hungry and cranky. Maybe that’s it, we’re all just hangry.  I’m in a funk about myself and I just feel off, I dunno…

But overall Spring is good. We’ve transformed our backyard, or should I say Fred transformed our yard and I just want to be out there all day! He did lots of landscaping, planted some new plants and started new garden boxes, I’m eager to see it all take root. We did buy four magnolia trees and those are so ugly right now they look like their dying, I told you…  gotta take the good and bad! Hoping they turn green again because we were really excited about planting magnolia trees and they were pricey too, but right now it looks like a tree with shriveled up dollar bills for leaves.

Looking ahead…

There’s talk of an anniversary getaway this June nothing booked yet but we’re talking about it and exploring our options. We will most likely not be traveling as a family this summer but maybe we’ll do some fun day trips. I’m registered for summer and fall classes so I will be taking another full round of courses. Ya’ll pray for me, I’m taking a Math class and I just can’t even… So ready to hang by the pool and drink coconut water. I think I want to work on a few rooms in the house too so I’m brewing up ideas for that too.

Well, that’s about it, I hope your Spring is warm and sweet with scent of jasmine and grilled meat.

Bloom.

I had been waiting for the day when we’d walk through the gardens at the Dallas Arboretum and marvel at the blooming flowers in the Spring. And today we did but it was not the day I had in mind. These boys, man... Talk about raining on my parade. They wanted to leave the second we got there, I got hit with snarky comments left and right, one even shouted at me when I asked for one family picture, this kid never shouts! After dragging them through the pretty tulips we went to grab food and I don’t mean like McDonald’s, we went to Eataly a nice place, and even let them pick a special dessert and instead of “thanks” I get a, “that’s all I get? I wanted the big one!” By the time we got back in time for soccer practice I was defeated and in tears. I sent them off and stayed in the car and cried while I ate lemon cookies from Eataly and sulked as I thought of their ungratefulness and how they ruined my day I had looked forward to all winter. And as I watched them run from the car, the Lord gently tapped me on the shoulder and I instantly saw myself in my children. How many times does the Lord place good things in my life and I act worse than my children with zero gratitude and a slight “that’s all I get?” attitude, when the Lord has given me EVERYTHING, Jesus, salvation, freedom and he still loves me!! Today we remember Jesus being nailed on the cross for our sins, we didn’t deserve it we’re ungrateful sinful brats and he still died for us and loves and longs for us to draw near to him he makes us a new creation. Hallelujah! I ended the night with a hot bath but before that I went in the boys room gave them each huge hugs and apologized for not being more patient. Tomorrow is a new day.

Stay At Home Mommy Goes Back to Work After 7 Years

After 7 years of being a stay at home mom, I put away my stretchy mom pants, set my alarm clock, put some makeup on my face, brewed my coffee and went back to work… Yes! Work! Let me tell you, boy, has it been an adjustment for our family.

All I have known these last 7 years is home, glorious home. When I was pregnant with Luke in 2011, Fred and I made the decision that I would stay home to raise our littles until they were all old enough to be in school. This wasn’t an easy decision, this wasn’t something that we could afford to do but we both felt it’s what the Lord wanted for our family. I felt a calling to be home and invest in my boys. So I traded in my full time job in education to become a stay at home mom.

If you’ve done this before or even if you’ve spent more than 24 hours with a baby or toddler whose motives are completely selfish and will literally suck out all the life and energy from you, you know it’s hard. Times that by 3 boys…

It’s been hard but its been an amazing experience and privilege. I used to take it as an insult when strangers at grocery stores would say, “You’ve got your hands full” while I pushed a cart with a baby strapped to my body and a young toddler threw every item on site into the cart while the other daredevil jumped off the cart or barely made it out of the store alive. This was my normal and I loved it. Yes I had my hands full but my heart fuller. But trust me, after a few years of marathon outings and grocery trips with littles I would eat up all the pity from strangers I could get. They weren't judging me, well at least most weren’t; they sympathized with me and their giggles as I rolled by weren’t always malicious, at least that’s what I told myself to get through. Those were some fun times. Now that they’re a little bigger and have a little more self control, rolling into Costco doesn’t always feel like the circus just rolled into town, on most days…It’s taken years but I’ve learned to tame those wild things.

Yes outings were hard, sometimes miserable but home has always been sweet. It's been our safe place. Most of the boys life training has happened here. How to treat and love others, be a friend, problem solve, be polite, gain independence, have dinner as a family, read the bible as a family, how to respect authority, how to show hospitality, how to tidy, how to help in the kitchen, how to wipe your butt, pick out you clothes and be responsible, dance like no one is watching, these are just a few that come to mind. I guarantee you we have not been perfect in our raising and have probably allowed more iPad and video games than some responsible parents are comfortable with but I can rest assured in God’s kindness that his grace will abound in the life of these boys.

And it’s with the Lord’s grace and kindness that we finally send them all off to school! Luke 2nd grade, Noah Kindergarten, Nate Pre-K. All 3 going to school full day. Time flies by ya’ll. Hold on tight to those sweet babies because unfortunately they grow up! (Insert crying emoji here) And with all my babies going to school that opened the doors for me to go back to work! I love how the Lord prepared me for this.

Back in the spring I had a conversation with Fred, I was in tears as I told him I felt the Lord telling me “Change was coming.” I had no idea what that meant but it felt like the Lord was preparing us for a big change. I’m a person that does not like change, I don’t even like to update my phone if means my settings are going to change. At that time I thought for sure it meant we were going to be switching churches because Fred had been applying for graphic design jobs at some churches in the area.

As time passed we didn’t change churches and I had forgotten about that conversation. One day I found myself looking through jobs online to see what was out there, not actively looking just out of curiosity. I saw that the day before they had posted a Receptionist job for a brand new elementary school that was opening up in the fall only a few miles from our home. Receptionist in an elementary had been my first job when we moved to Texas, while I only did it for a year before I moved into a classroom I really enjoyed it and I saw myself doing something similar once the boys were all in school, so I talked to Fred and he encouraged me to apply and just see what the Lord did with that. So I applied and didn’t hear anything for months.

Summer started and the boys were out of school, all that was in my mind at that time was our upcoming Italy trip, then I got a call. “Can you come in for an interview next week?”

Still unsure if this was the right decision I went in for the interview. I felt a calmness and confidence that I know was not of myself but of the Lord. There was literally a rainbow that morning after some rain had passed and I drove to the interview. God is good. They asked many questions but one stood out to me, what do you think would be hardest part of the job for you? I was 100% honest. I said learning how to be a working mom after being home all these years and figuring out how to balance time and life. Well, somehow my answers didn’t scare them and I got the job!

We flew to Italy a week later and we felt like not only was it a celebration of our 10 year anniversary but also a celebration of a closing of a big chapter of our lives, we knew come Fall our lives would look different and that change God had spoken to me about in the Spring was indeed coming. God’s timing is good and he knows best.

This season of me working full time has been chaotic, the transition has been stressful, I’ve cried more than my pride wants to admit but I’ve also found a deeper dependance on the Lord. Our lives have changed and were still adjusting, finding our rhythm and what our new normal will look like. Weekends are sweeter, time together as a family is not taken for granted and a home cooked meal is much more appreciated than before.

I’m grateful to the Lord that I love my job, I love the people I work with, I love that I will be able to be off when the boys and Fred are off. I’m confident that the Lord will use me for his glory at work as he has used me for his glory at home. Today I celebrate Labor Day with more appreciation and countdown the days to Thanksgiving break!

Some pictures of the boys first day of school, mommy going to work and a few pictures of my office!

Conflict Resolution on Valentine's Day

So let me tell you how I almost ruined Valentine’s Day yesterday or at least ruined it for part of the night…

Fred made the evening so special for our whole family. He got home from work kicked me out of the kitchen and made us his version of “happy meals” but called them “love meals,” with delicious homemade burgers, fries, and just like a traditional happy meal comes with a special toy he had a special gift for each of us.

Isn’t he just the sweetest? Gift giving and making others feels loved is his specialty, mine, not so much.

I struggle with gift giving, I don’t like to buy Fred gifts, I’ve sadly done it through the years mostly out of obligation, not just with Fred but with the boys too. Christmas shopping is a nightmare, everything I pick out I buy with hesitation and with the thought in my head that this will only bring momentary happiness and will end up in the trash or collecting dust sooner or later.

While yes that may be true, and it makes sense according to my minimalist ideology; I’ve selfishly been missing the point and have made the excuse of being a terrible gift giver so that I don’t have work at it or better yet not spend money. I’ve sadly missed opportunities to bless Fred, my boys and others in the name of sticking it to consumerism. Oh but when it comes to shopping for me I’m all for supporting Capitalism… Such a hypocrite!

So about how I almost ruined yesterday, I wasn’t planning on buying Fred anything for Valentine’s Day but because he had already given me 2 other gifts earlier in the week, I was like, Oh crap, let me head to the store, the guilt was real ya’ll. So in my “thoughtfulness” I bought Fred an oven mitten and a pot holder because he’s been getting really into this baking bread thing and we don’t own oven mittens, which is why I have a thousand burn scars on my wrists… Anyways he opened the gift and he kindly said thanks, he opened the card I picked out which I though was hilarious because I have the best sense of humor and all he did was smile and say, “Thank you.”

How dare he not laugh or express gratitude in a more dramatic way, does he not know how I went out of my way (last minute) to buy him this gift and express my love for him… So I was angry. After dinner we sent the boys to bed and how a typical Valentines night should go between lovers did not.

Instead we laid in bed, I expressed my hurt for him not being excited about the gift, like many of our conflicts I made this all about me, me, me, you hurt me, you don’t appreciate me, etc… My selfish anger completely blinded me of how thoughtful he had been to make the night special for all of us, cook for us, lavish us with gifts, the date from the weekend?

And then he dropped the bomb on me that left me at a loss for words and left us both in tears.

Fred had seen right through me all these years, how thoughtless I had been over and over when I’d buy him anything, and called it a gift. Ouch. I’m sure I have bought a good gift here or there or at least what I thought was good but I realized I had to change and I had to face the fact that I’ve been lazy in this area and I had to apologize.

Fred was gracious, I asked how he did it, how does he know how to get me the perfect gift every time. He said he studies me, he takes notes of what I say, what I point out when we’re out, what current things I’m into. He also said around the holidays he’ll sometimes drop hints for me here or there to give me ideas on what to buy him, sadly anytime he’s shown me something he wants I’ve inwardly given him the eye roll or just zoned it out…

So I’m making a vow to be a better gift giver, to do it out of love and consideration and not obligation. I want to work on making Fred feel loved and special because he does that with me over and over and not just with gifts.

After a long night and a hard conversation, I was able to see my wrongs, ask for forgiveness and move forward with a practical way to put what we talked to into practice. I’m realizing these moments are what people mean when they say marriage is hard work, these moments are what bond us and make us stronger. Thankfully because we were able to work out our conflict we were able to end Valentines night the way it should between lovers…

Moving Forward

Where do I even begin? So who starts a blog and takes a hiatus as soon as they start? 

Uhm… This girl. Awkward...

A part of me is dying of embarrassment, shame, guilt, like I let others down. I feel like already failed but did I even really start? I had all these ideas, all these dreams for this blog and they just halted. I’ve been analyzing myself, my heart, this situation. To be honest I don’t know what happened, May and June feel like fog of joy and hardships. 

A part of me says my lack of time, the end of the school year and the beginning of summer hit me hard. Like literally, we got in a car accident, had to replace our car, carseats all on top of ending the school year, birthdays, vbs, Father's Day, anniversary...

“Summer break has felt less than a break and more like I’m breaking.”

Summer break has felt less than a break and more like I'm breaking. Summer does that for me sometimes, my comfortable schedule gets karate chopped by life and I’m desperate for routine even though everyday looks the same, I cant remember if the week is ending or is it just beginning? 

Another part of me fears that it was fear. Like I got up on stage and suddenly got stage fright, my mouth wants to move but nothing seems to come out so I ran red faced and covered my head with sheets of doing nothing because sometimes doing nothing feels more comfortable than stepping out of your comfort zone. But that doing nothing has me in funk because I know Im supposed to be doing something! 

“So where do I go from here? Simple. Where I left off!”

I probably sound like I'm ranting now. I tend to get stuck in analyzing myself, my decisions. I’ve been stuck for too long. So where do I go from here? Simple. Where I left off! Taking off those covers and I'll just keep going. I’m sure that most of the embarrassment and guilt is myself judging myself.

I know I’m not alone in that, do you do that too? Beat yourself up when you start something and don’t finish, or maybe you haven’t even started at all and you feel you need to? You thought this time you were going to get organized, this time you were going to eat better, hit the gym, start that bible reading plan, take a shower, get out of the house, keep working on that blog? These are all me ya'll! 

I'm here to tell you, take off those covers that are stopping you from your goals. Lets shake off the guilt, the fears that lie to us. Shake off all that funk. Sometimes it gets comfortable hiding under those covers, its warm and cozy but then you start to feel like your suffocating, like you need a breath of fresh air. Lets do that together, it will be worth it, it might be feel awkward but it will be worth it.

“And I’m sure of this, He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion...”

So here I go again, I’m sure it won't be perfect, I’m sure I’ll get stumped here and there but I’m giving myself grace to move forward because at the end of the day I’ll hold on to this truth that is for you and me. "And I'm sure of this, He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion…" Phillipians 1:6